The search for a healthy and happy relationship can be challenging, as the numbers of people wanting to talk about relationship issues in counseling shows. Its positive power to overcome illness and adversity through to its potential to become destructive.
Here are 31 pieces of relationship advice everyone needs, if you apply these principles below to your relationship, it could make a life-changing difference in your relationship.
1. Honesty First
In the wake of discovering infidelity, Spring asks the wronged party to detail their grievances to their partner by articulating an unsparing and emotionally raw declaration.
2. Bearing Witness
Just as importantly, the adulterous partner must be prepared to face the heartache that their infidelity has wrought. Many unfaithful individuals feel paralyzed with guilt; they see the affair as irreparable damage.
3. A Written Apology
After the adulterer has listened openly and understandingly to their partner’s declaration, Spring suggests that the cheater paraphrase the account in their own words. Spring then suggests that they write out a detailed, specific letter to prove they understand the sorrow they’ve caused.
4. Avoid Cheap Forgiveness
Sometimes the desire to salvage the relationship (and on the flip side, the fear of losing a partner) overwhelms the necessity to vent anger, and wronged partners forgive before they’ve had a chance to seethe.
5. Sharing Responsibility
Even in relationships where only one person has strayed, oftentimes both members bear the blame for an affair. Spring acknowledges that the unfaithful person must own up to 100% of their guilt, but the wronged party must also acknowledge their own role in fostering an unhappy union, however minuscule.
6. Setting Rules
“There are specific ways to earn and grant trust in order to allow the relationship to recover,” Spring advises. She suggests that the couple establish ironclad, non-negotiable rules at the beginning of the healing process.
7. Redefine Sexual Intimacy
One of the greatest hurdles in the healing process lies between the sheets. “Often, a couple feels like the other person is sitting in between them, like a ghost, and that conception strains sex,” Spring says.
8. Ignore the Aphorisms
Though conventional wisdom has posited the phrase, “once a cheater, always a cheater,” Spring balks at this advice. “That’s a very dangerous assumption. So many adulterous people have come to me because they’re ambivalent about what they’ve done, or because they want to know how to stop.
9. Reality Check
In the aftermath of cheating, it’s easy to feel as if your relationship is uniquely dysfunctional, yet the majority of long-term couples undergo at least one instance of infidelity.
10. Letting Go
Remember the rigid stipulations that Spring suggested in Step #5? Those only work if the wronged person gradually loosens the tight leash as their pain fades and trust grows over time.
11. Redefine the relationship and start again
Sometimes a relationship will break up because the man and woman simply don’t know how to make each other feel how they really want to feel when in a relationship. This may happen if a guy is inexperienced with relationships, if he takes his woman for granted or if he just wasn’t ready to be the type of man that she really needs.
12. Make her feel jealous by enjoying your life without her.
Making a woman feel jealous isn’t the only thing that you need to do to get her back, but it’s something that helps bring down her guard and make her feel compelled to stay in contact with you.
13. Get her to have sex with you one last time.
A great way to get your girlfriend back after a break up is to get her to agree to have sex one last time. If you have also improved and fixed some of the issues that caused the break up and you are able to make her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you when you meet up with her, the sex will be the enjoyable icing on top of the cake.
14. Stop texting her and only be available via phone call or meet up.
A lot of guys delay the process of getting a woman back by allowing her to access to text him back and forth whenever she feels like it. If you want to make her feel some loss and be willing to talk to you on the phone, you’ve got to cut off her access to text communication with you.
15. Only display traits that will attract her and make her feel respectful of you.
Some guys make the mistake of thinking that they might be able to get another chance with their ex girlfriend by making her feel guilty or making her feel pity for him. For example: He will slip into begging, pleading, promising her the world if she gives him another chance, declaring his undying love for her, threatening to kill himself, saying that he is nothing without her and so on.
16. Falling in love is more than a feeling.The early part of a new relationship can feel all-consuming. When you’re with your new love, you feel you’re on an incredible high. When you’re apart, you can experience painful “withdrawal symptoms” like longing, obsessing, and worrying whether it will last.
17. It’s completely normal for this initial intensity to wear off.The word “limerance” to describe the initial head-over-heels stage in her classic book about relationships, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love.
18. And when you get to that point, it’s totally OK to plan sex.Putting a date and time for sex in your calendars might sound like something people your parents’ age would do. That thought probably makes you want to do it even less. But if and when you hit a lull, planning time to put the work in together in order to figure out how to keep your sex life going will help keep you close and aware of each other’s needs.
19. Or spice things up by focusing on sensuality instead of orgasm.
Stop worrying so much about reaching the big O, and focus instead on sensuality. It can be tempting to make reaching orgasm your main goal when it comes to sex but for a change try focusing on sensuality rather than penetration.
20. You should absolutely talk to a counsellor about your sex life.Talking to your counsellor about these issues might feel awkward to begin with. But because sex is important to most people, counsellors are trained to talk about it and it will be very normal to them if you bring it up as an issue.
21. Bear in mind that the kind of love you need might not be the same kind of love your partner needs.Frustration about a partner’s failure to recognize their love needs is a common theme. We all have different preferences when it comes to the way we give and receive love. For example, for some people physical affection or encouraging words are particularly important while for others, supportive actions or thoughtful gifts are more meaningful.
22. There’s probably no such thing as “The One”.If you’re single, get up off the floor. Don’t panic! This is actually good news. This doesn’t mean that you will never find one great person you can have your dream relationship with. It simply means that having a set idea about “The One” might actually be stopping you from meeting them in the first place because your selection criteria are too narrow.
23. And know that relationship counselling can be helpful if even you’re single.Many people are completely happy with being single and the freedom this offers. But if you’re single and would like to be in a relationship, it can be tough. Friends and family members might be well-meaning when they ask whether you’re dating, but it can feel like an added pressure.
24. If you are paired off, it’s essential to consider your partner your equal.According to transactional analysis, a branch of psychotherapy says, we often play out the roles of parent, adult, and child in our relationships. For example, one partner might take on most of the responsibilities in the relationship, paying bills and organizing social activities.
25. Your phone might be the “third person” in your relationship.Technology can be good for your relationship. One study found that 84% of people who use technology to keep in touch with a partner daily said this had a positive effect on their relationship.
26. The bad times can actually be good for your relationship.Every relationship goes through tough periods, if the bad times outweigh the good and you’re thinking of ending the relationship, counseling can help.
27. Listening is more important than talking.Communication is the most important thing in a relationship and listening is probably the hardest communication skill to learn. We often don’t get taught how to listen when we grow up, so it’s no wonder we struggle to listen to our partners. Then stop and talk about something else. Don’t try and ‘solve problems’; this exercise is purely about listening.”
28. Be honest, even if it might cause an argument.Sometimes it feels easier to stay quiet than talk openly and honestly about how you feel. But being truthful in your relationship is essential to create trust and respect.
29. And know there is a good and a bad way to argue.Those who started with negative statements like “You’re lazy and never do anything around the house” without also including any positive statements in the first three minutes were significantly more likely to split up.
30. Say “I” and not “you”.Most of us have exploded with something like: ‘Why do I have to take care of everything?’ or ‘You never do X, Y, Z.’ The problem is that we’re not telling the person how they made us feel or opening up a conversation about it, so they get defensive and shut down. Start by saying: ‘When you do X I feel…’ Even better, make a habit of also telling them things they do which make you feel good.”
31. And never forget that the most important relationship is the one you have with yourselfFirst, we need to love and trust ourselves before we can really love someone else. How we treat ourselves is how other people will treat us. If you treat yourself well, it’s more likely you’ll attract people who will do the same.
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