50 Best Humor Quotes Of All Time

Humor Quotes

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

-Steve Martin

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

-Woody Allen

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”

-Terry Pratchett

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”

-Bill Watterson

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”

-Benjamin Franklin Wade

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”

-W.C. Fields

“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”

-Suzanne Collins

“Jesus!” Luke exclaimed.
“Actually, it’s just me,” said Simon. “Although I’ve been told the resemblance is startling.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?”

-Terry Johnson

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”

-C.E.M. Joad

“I don’t want to be a man,” said Jace. “I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can’t confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.”
“Well,” said Luke, “you’re doing a fantastic job.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”

-Terry Pratchett

“Never memorize something that you can look up.”

-Albert Einstein

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”

-Albert Einstein

“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH’, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.”

-Terry Pratchett

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.”

-Thomas Szasz

“It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234’.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”

-Billy Sunday

“I might be in love with you.” He smiles a little. “I’m waiting until I’m sure to tell you, though.”

-Veronica Roth

“Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?” asked Jace.
“It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath.”
“As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome,” said Simon.
“I knew we should have left you a rat.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Malachi scowled. “I don’t remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane.”
“They didn’t,” Magnus said. “Your wards are down.”
“Really?” the Consul’s voice dripped sarcasm. “I hadn’t noticed.”
Magnus looked concerned. “That’s terrible. Someone should have told you.” He glanced at Luke. “Tell him the wards are down.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Well, I’m not kissing the mundane,” said Jace. “I’d rather stay down here and rot.”
“Forever?” said Simon. “Forever’s an awfully long time.”
Jace raised his eyebrows. “I knew it,” he said. “You want to kiss me, don’t you?”

-Cassandra Clare

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”

-Stephen King

“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.”

-Bertrand Russell

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

-W.C. Fields

“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

-Woody Allen

“That does it,” said Jace. “I’m going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year.”
“Why?” Isabelle said.
“So you can look up ‘fun.’ I’m not sure you know what it means.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

-Anthony G. Oettinger

“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.”

-Terry Pratchett

“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”

-Winston S. Churchill

“I have something I need to tell you,” he says. I run my fingers along the tendons in his hands and look back at him. “I might be in love with you.” He smiles a little. “I’m waiting until I’m sure to tell you, though.”
“That’s sensible of you,” I say, smiling too. “We should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something.”
I feel his laughter against my side, his nose sliding along my jaw, his lips pressing my ear.
“Maybe I’m already sure,” he says, “and I just don’t want to frighten you.”
I laugh a little. “Then you should know better.”
“Fine,” he says. “Then I love you.”

-Veronica Roth

“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.”

-Terry Pratchett

“You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me.”
“I was ninety percent sure.”
“I see,” Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain.
“What the hell was that for?”
“The other ten percent.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Investigation?” Isabelle laughed. “Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.”
“Good idea,” said Jace. “I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.”

-Stephanie Klein

“What’s this?” he demanded, looking from Clary to his companions, as if they might know what she was doing there.
“It’s a girl,” Jace said,recovering his composure. “Surely you’ve seen girls before, Alec. Your sister Isabelle is one.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

-Steven Wright

“Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I’m here to tell you that undead are just like you and me … well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn’t make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie. (Jace Wayland)”

-Cassandra Clare

“If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.”

-Terry Pratchett

“Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage – but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly bored.
“In future, Clarissa,” he said, “it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations.”
“You invited him into bed?” Simon demanded, looking shaken.
“Ridiculous, isn’t it?” said Jace. “We would never have all fit.”
“I didn’t invite him into bed,” Clary snapped. “We were just kissing.”
“Just kissing?” Jace’s tone mocked her with its false hurt. “How swiftly you dismiss our love.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”

-Tina Fey

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

-Winston S. Churchill

“Isabelle drifted over, Jace a pace behind her. She was wearing a long black dress with boots and an even longer cutaway coat of soft green velvet, the color of moss. “I can’t believe you did it!” she exclaimed. “How did you get Magnus to let Jace leave?”
“Traded him for Alec,” Clary said.
Isabelle looked mildly alarmed. “Not permanently?”
“No,” said Jace. “Just for a few hours. Unless I don’t come back,” he added thoughtfully. “In which case, maybe he does get to keep Alec. Think of it as a lease with an option to buy.”
Isabelle looked dubious. “Mom and Dad won’t be pleased if they find out.”
“That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?” Simon inquired. “No, probably not.”

-Cassandra Clare

“It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.”

-Arthur Conan Doyle

“I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”

-Scott Adams

“Say ‘provoking’ again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.”

-Becca Fitzpatrick

“You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?”

-Suzanne Collins

“The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.”

-Tina Fey

“Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”

-Terry Pratchett

“Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.”

-Bill Watterson

“What are all these?” Clary asked.
“Vials of holy water, blessed knives, steel and silver blades,” Jace said, piling the weapons on the floor beside him, “electrum wire – not much use at the moment but it’s always good to have spares – silver bullets, charms of protetion, crucifixes, stars of David-“
“Jesus,” said Clary
“I doubt he’d fit.”
“Jace.” Clary was appalled.”

-Cassandra Clare

“You possess other people’s…bodies.”

He accepted that statement with a nod.

“Do you want to possess my body?”

“I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that’s not one of them.”

-Becca Fitzpatrick

“Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.”

-Suzanne Collins

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

-Will Rogers

“So when the moon’s only partly full, you only feel a little wolfy?”
“You could say that.”
“Well, you can go ahead and hang your head out the car window if you feel like it.”
“I’m a werewolf, not a golden retriever.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people.”

-Tamora Pierce

“Your friend’s poetry is terrible,” he said.
Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. “What?”
“I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.”

-Cassandra Clare

“It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.”

-Voltaire

“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.”

-Bette Midler

“It’s not gray,” Clary felt compelled to point out. “It’s green.”
“If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you’d have died in childhood,” said Jace.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Must you go? I was rather hoping you’d stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must.”

“I’ll stay,” Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. “I can minister angelically.”

“None too convincingly. And you’re not as pretty to look at as Tessa is,” Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow.

“How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared the experience to gazing at the radiance of the sun.”

Jem still had his eyes closed. “If they mean it gives you a headache, they aren’t wrong.”

-Cassandra Clare

“I thought I’d lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,” he grunted, “It relaxes me.”
“It does? Oh – you’re being sarcastic. That’s a good sign probably.”

-Cassandra Clare

“A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?”

-Cassandra Clare

“I don’t want tea,” said Clary, with muffled force. “I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them.”
“Unfortunately,” said Hodge, “we’re all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it’s either tea or nothing.”

-Cassandra Clare

“You’re an idiot.”
“I’ve never claimed to be otherwise.”

-Cassandra Clare

“I’m going to wake Peeta,” I say.
“No, wait,” says Finnick. “Let’s do it together. Put our faces right in front of his.”
Well, there’s so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. “Peeta. Peeta, wake up,” I say in a soft, singsong voice.
His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we’ve stabbed him. “Aa!”
Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta’s attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”

-Suzanne Collins

“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”

-Terry Pratchett

“Jace shook his blond head in exasperation.
“You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn’t you? You couldn’t just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?”

-Cassandra Clare

“In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.”

-Terry Pratchett

“My rapier wit hides my inner pain.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Black holes are where God divided by zero.”

-Albert Einstein

“Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.”

-Steve Martin

“Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.”

-Robert Frost

“You might want to lie down,” Magnus advised. “I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrible realization sets in.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Magnus, standing by the door, snapped his fingers impatiently. “Move it along, teenagers. The only person who gets to canoodle in my bedroom is my magnificent self.”
“Canoodle?” repeated Clary, never having heard the word before.
“Magnificent?” repeated Jace, who was just being nasty. Magnus growled. The growl sounded like “Get out.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Alec looked at her and shook his head. “How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?”
Isabelle shrugged philosophically. “I’m pure at heart. It repels the dirt.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Have you tried talking to her?”
“No. We’ve been punching her in the face repeatedly. What? You don’t think that will work?”

-Cassandra Clare

“Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”

-Candace Bushnell

“Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”

-Sheng Wang

“I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”

-Bill Watterson

“DON’T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.”

-Terry Pratchett

“Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.”

-Zig Ziglar

“Moths,” repeats Will. “You’re afraid of moths?”

“Not just a cloud of moths,” she says, “like…a swarm of them. Everywhere. All those wings and legs and…” She shudders and shakes her head.

“Terrifying,” Will says with mock seriousness. “That’s my girl. Tough as cotton balls.”

“Oh, Shut up.”

-Veronica Roth

“It crosses my mind that Cinna’s calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.”

-Suzanne Collins

“We need to talk. All of us About what we’re going to do now.”
“I was going to watch Project Runway.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Can you be a girl for a few seconds?”
“I’m always a girl” I frown.
“You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl”
I twirl my hair around my finger. “Kay.”

-Veronica Roth

“But-” Maia, still looking at Alec and Magnus, broke off and rasied her eyebrows. Simon turned to see what she was looking at – and stared.
Alec had his arms around Magnus and was kissing him full on the mouth. Magnus, who appeared to be in a state of shock, stood frozen. Several groups of people – Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike – were staring and whispering. Glancing to the side, Simon saw the Lightwoods, their eyes widen, gaping at the display. Maryse had her hand over her mouth.
Maia looked perplexed. “Wait a second,” she said. “Do we all have to do that, too?”

-Cassandra Clare

“Sebastian just smiled. “I could hear your heart beating,” he said softly. “When you were watching me with Valentine. Did it bother you?”
“That you seem to be dating my dad?” Jace shrugged. “You’re a little young for him, to be honest.”
“What?” For the first time since Jace had met him, Sebastian seemed flabbergasted.”

-Cassandra Clare

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.”

-Bill Watterson

“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

-Woody Allen

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

-Robin Williams

“There’s no need to clarify my finger snap,” said Magnus. “The implication was clear in the snap itself.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.”

-Terry Pratchett

Facebook Comment

Get more stuff like this In your inbox!

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9