May 17th, 2018 | Updated on June 28th, 2022
1. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. – Albert Einstein
2. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln
3. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln
4. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
5. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
6. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes
7. “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus
8. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
9. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
10. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
11. “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce
12. “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz
13. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney
14. “I love mankind … it’s people I can’t stand!!”– Charles M. Schulz
15. “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
16. “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov
17. “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke
18. “Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin
19. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
20. “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill
21. “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” – Bertrand Russell
22. “It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234’.” – Cassandra Clare
23. “The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” – Bertrand Russell
24. “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” – Betty White
25. “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” – Bill Maher
26. “If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.” – Bill Vaughan
27. “Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.” – Dr. Seuss
28. “Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” – Bill Vaughan
29. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
30. “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” – Billy Connolly
31. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday
32. “It’s all right to love someone who doesn’t love you back, as long as they’re worth you loving them. As long as they deserve it.”– Cassandra Clare
33. “But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” – Carl Sagan
34. “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
35. He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle
36. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
37. “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
38. “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” – Christopher Morley
39. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
40. “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin
41. “The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” – Bette Midler
42. “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” – Dave Barry
43. “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley
44. “Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” – Desmond Morris
45. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis
46. “There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams
47.“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” – Drake
48. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
49. “You’re an idiot.” “I’ve never claimed to be otherwise.”– Cassandra Clare
50. “Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
51. “You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz
52. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
53. “Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.” – George Bernard Shaw
54. “We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.” – George Bernard Shaw
55. “Trains are great dirty smoky things,” said Will. “You won’t like it.” Tessa was unmoved. “I won’t know if I like it until I try it, will I?” “I’ve never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn’t like it.” “But think how entertaining for sightseers,” said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.” – Cassandra Clare
56. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
57. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin
58. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin
59. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx
60. “A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” – H. L. Mencken
61. “It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.” – Harry Hill
62. “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland
63. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman
64. “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman
65. “My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.” – Indira Gandhi
66. “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny
67.“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
68. “People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.” – Bill Watterson
69. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner
70. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.” – Jay Leno
71. “My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.” – Jean Rostand
72. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld
73. “The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.” – Jim Harrison
74. “I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.” – John Fugelsang
75. “The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.” – Karl Kraus
