Funny Quotes

80 Painfully Funny One Liners

Funny One Liners

December 13th, 2019   |   Updated on September 15th, 2022

These funny one-liners are as pithy as they are funny.

Just some very funny summations from some very funny people, all told in one line. Many of these funny one-liners are from legendary comedians and others are from random or unknown people.

Enjoy laughing out loud to all these hilarious one-liners.

Puns Funny One Liners

1. “Employee Of The Month Is A Good Example Of How Somebody Can Be Both A Winner And A Loser At The Same Time.” – Demetri Martin

funny one liners

2. “What Is Worse Than Ants In Your Pants? Uncles” – Unknown

3. “I’ve Moved Past Threesomes. I’m Now Into Foursomes. If Someone Backs Out, Then You’ve Still Got A Threesome. If Two People Back Out, You’re Still Having Sex.” – Gregory House

4. “When I Was A Boy, I Laid In My Twin Sized Bed And Wondered Where My Brother Was.” – Mitch Hedberg

5. “It’s Sad That A Family Can Be Torn Apart By Something As Simple As Wild Dogs.” – Jack Handey

best one liners

6. “I Don’t Have A Girlfriend, But I Know A Girl That Would Get Really Mad If She Heard Me Say That.” – Unknown

7. “My Drug Test Came Back Negative. My Dealer Sure Has Some Explaining To Do.” – Unknown

8. “I Have 3 Kids And No Money, Why I Can’t I Have No Kids And 3 Money.” -homer Simpson

9. “It Became So Cold In New York Last Night That It Forced The Flashers To Describe Themselves To People.” – Unknown

10. “I Think It’s Wrong That Only One Company Makes The Game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright

dad jokes one liners

11. “My Therapist Says I Have A Preoccupation With Vengeance. We’ll See About That.” – Stewart Francis

12. “The Worst Time To Have A Heart Attack Is During A Game Of Charades.” – Demetri Martin

13. “I Have The World’s Largest Collection Of Seashells, You May Have Seen It, I Keep It Scattered On Beaches All Over.” – Unknown

14. “I Want To Die Peacefully In My Sleep, Like My Grandfather.. Not Screaming And Yelling Like The Passengers In His Car.” – Unknown

15. “When Life Gives You Melons, You Might Be Dyslexic.” – Unknown

16. “The Problem Isn’t That Obesity Runs In Your Family. The Problem Is No One Runs In Your Family.” – Unknown

17. “When You Look Like I Do, It’s Hard To Get A Table For One At Chuckee Cheese.” – Zach Galifianakis

18. “I Don’t Want To Be Part Of A Club That Would Have Me As A Member.” – Groucho Marx


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19. “My Ex Girlfriend Had This Really Weird Fetish. She Used To Like To Dress Up Like Herself, And Act Like A Fucking Bitch All The Time.” – Bo Burnham

20. “Last Night, I Played Poker With Tarot Cards … Got A Full House And 4 People Died.” – Steven Wright

hilarious one liners


Clever One Liners

21. “I Tried To Change My Password To Penis But They Said It Was Too Short.’ – Unknown

22. “My Girlfriend Used To Smoke After Sex, So We Started Using Lube.” – Jimmy Carr

23. “Circumcision Is Popular Because Jewish Girls Won’t Touch Anything That’s Not At Least 15% Off.” – Unknown

24. “The Problem With Kleptomaniacs Is That They Always Take Things Literally.” – Unknown

25. “Sit On My Lap And We’ll Talk About The First Thing That Pops Up.” – Unknown

funny irish one liners

26. “It Takes A Lot Of Balls To Golf The Way I Do.” – Unknown

27. “Consider The Daffodil…and While You’re Doing That, I’ll Be Over Here, Going Through Your Stuff.” – Jack Handy

28. “I Told Him To Be Himself, That Was Pretty Mean I Guess.” – Roger Sterling

29. “I Have A Friend. He Keeps Trying To Convince Me He’s A Compulsive Liar, But I Don’t Believe Him.” – Ben Bailey

30. “My Father Is Schizophrenia, But He’s Good People.”- Stewart Francis

clever one liners

31. “I Was Going To Tell You A Joke About My Vagina, But You Will Never Get It.” – Unknown

32. “Does My Wife Think I’m A Control Freak? I Haven’t Decided Yet.” – Stewart Francis

34. “I Have A Lot Of Growing Up To Do. I Realized That The Other Day Inside My Fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

35. “They Lie About Marijuana: ‘marijuana Makes You Unmotivated.’ Lie. When You’re High, You Can Do Anything You Normally Do Just As Well. You Just Realize It’s Not Worth The Fucking Effort. There’s A Difference.” – Bill Hicks

36. “Who Has Connections To Connecticut? That’s Where Rich People Go To Live The Rest Of Their Life In The Woods.” – Patrice O’Neal

37. “Onions Make Me Sad. A Lot Of People Don’t Realize That.” – Mitch Hedberg

38. “I Looked Up My Family Tree And Found Out I Was The Sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

39. “I Am Originally From Indiana. I Know What Most Of You Are Thinking: Indiana — Mafia.” – Jim Gaffigan

40. “I Did A Gig In The U.s. Once For The Homeless. I Said ‘it’s Nice To See So Many Bums On Seats.’” – Jimmy Carr

puns funny one liners


Best One Liners

41. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

42. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

43. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

44. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

45. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

46. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

47. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

48. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

49. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

50. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

51. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

52. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

53. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

54. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

55. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

56. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

57. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

58. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

59. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

60. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Puns Funny One Liners

61. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

62. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

63. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

64. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

65. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

funny one liners dirty

66. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

67. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

68. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

69. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

70. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

one liner jokes

71. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

72. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

73. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

74. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

75. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

76. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

77. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

78. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

funny one liner jokes

79. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

80. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.