Funny Quotes

Top 70+ Most Funniest Sarcasm Quotes

Funniest Sarcasm Quotes

May 17th, 2018   |   Updated on June 28th, 2022

1. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. – Albert Einstein

2. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

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3. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

 

4. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

 

5. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

6. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

 

7. “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus

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8. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott

 

9. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

 

10. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott

 

11. “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

 

12. “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

 

13. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney

 

14.  “I love mankind … it’s people I can’t stand!!”– Charles M. Schulz



15. “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

 

16. “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov


17. “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

 

18. “Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin

 

19. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

 

20. “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill

 

21. “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” – Bertrand Russell

 

22. “It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234’.” – Cassandra Clare

 

23. “The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” – Bertrand Russell

 

24. “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” – Betty White

 

25. “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” – Bill Maher

26. “If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.” – Bill Vaughan

 

27. “Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.” – Dr. Seuss

 

28. “Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” – Bill Vaughan

 

29. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

 

30. “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” – Billy Connolly


31. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday

 

32. “It’s all right to love someone who doesn’t love you back, as long as they’re worth you loving them. As long as they deserve it.”– Cassandra Clare

33. “But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” – Carl Sagan

 

34. “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

 

35. He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

 

36. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

 

37.  “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth

 

38. “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” – Christopher Morley

 

39. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

 

40. “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin

 

41. “The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” – Bette Midler

42. “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” – Dave Barry

 

43. “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley

 

44. “Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” – Desmond Morris

 

45. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis

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46. “There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams

 

47.“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” – Drake

 

48. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

 

49. “You’re an idiot.” “I’ve never claimed to be otherwise.”– Cassandra Clare

 

50. “Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald



51. “You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz

 

52. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

 

53. “Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.” – George Bernard Shaw

 

54. “We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.” – George Bernard Shaw

 

55. “Trains are great dirty smoky things,” said Will. “You won’t like it.” Tessa was unmoved. “I won’t know if I like it until I try it, will I?” “I’ve never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn’t like it.” “But think how entertaining for sightseers,” said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.”  Cassandra Clare



 

56. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns

 

57. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

 

58. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin

 

59. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx

 

60. “A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” – H. L. Mencken

 

61.  “It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.” – Harry Hill

 

62. “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland

 

63. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman

 

64. “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman

 

65. “My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.” – Indira Gandhi

 

66. “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny

 

67.“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason

 

68. “People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.” – Bill Watterson

 

69. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner

Funniest Sarcasm Quotes

 

70. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.” – Jay Leno

 

71. “My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.” – Jean Rostand

 

72. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld

 

73. “The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.” – Jim Harrison

 

74. “I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.” – John Fugelsang

 

75. “The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.” – Karl Kraus