Quotes

Top 40 Most Funniest Sarcasm Quotes

Funniest Sarcasm Quotes

Published on May 17th, 2018

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

-Albert Einstein

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

-Douglas Adams

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”

-Charles M. Schulz

“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

-Douglas Adams

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”

-Charles Bukowski

“I love mankind … it’s people I can’t stand!!”

-Charles M. Schulz



“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”

-Charles J. Sykes

“Jesus!” Luke exclaimed.
“Actually, it’s just me,” said Simon. “Although I’ve been told the resemblance is startling.”

-Cassandra Clare



“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer”

-Douglas Adams

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”

-Albert Einstein

“It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234’.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Malachi scowled. “I don’t remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane.”
“They didn’t,” Magnus said. “Your wards are down.”
“Really?” the Consul’s voice dripped sarcasm. “I hadn’t noticed.”
Magnus looked concerned. “That’s terrible. Someone should have told you.” He glanced at Luke. “Tell him the wards are down.”

-Cassandra Clare

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

-Douglas Adams

“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.”

-Bertrand Russell

“Happiness is a warm puppy.”

-Charles M. Schulz

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”

-Dr. Seuss

“You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me.”
“I was ninety percent sure.”
“I see,” Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain.
“What the hell was that for?”
“The other ten percent.”

-Cassandra Clare

“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”

-Charles Dickens

“What’s this?” he demanded, looking from Clary to his companions, as if they might know what she was doing there.
“It’s a girl,” Jace said,recovering his composure. “Surely you’ve seen girls before, Alec. Your sister Isabelle is one.”

-Cassandra Clare



“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”

-Dr. Seuss

“It’s all right to love someone who doesn’t love you back, as long as they’re worth you loving them. As long as they deserve it.”

-Cassandra Clare

“The Guide says there is an art to flying”, said Ford, “or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

-Douglas Adams

“Don’t Panic.”

-Douglas Adams

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you’ll move mountains.”

-Dr. Seuss

“Say ‘provoking’ again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.”

-Becca Fitzpatrick

“Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.”

-Bill Watterson

“So when the moon’s only partly full, you only feel a little wolfy?”
“You could say that.”
“Well, you can go ahead and hang your head out the car window if you feel like it.”
“I’m a werewolf, not a golden retriever.”

-Cassandra Clare

“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.”

-Bette Midler

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”

-Douglas Adams

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”

-Douglas Adams

“What’s the good of living if you don’t try a few things?”

-Charles M. Schulz

“Must you go? I was rather hoping you’d stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must.”

“I’ll stay,” Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. “I can minister angelically.”

“None too convincingly. And you’re not as pretty to look at as Tessa is,” Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow.

“How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared the experience to gazing at the radiance of the sun.”

Jem still had his eyes closed. “If they mean it gives you a headache, they aren’t wrong.”

-Cassandra Clare

“A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?”

-Cassandra Clare

“I don’t want tea,” said Clary, with muffled force. “I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them.”
“Unfortunately,” said Hodge, “we’re all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it’s either tea or nothing.”

-Cassandra Clare

“You’re an idiot.”
“I’ve never claimed to be otherwise.”

-Cassandra Clare

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

-Dorothy Parker



“My rapier wit hides my inner pain.”

-Cassandra Clare

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

-Charles Lamb

“You might want to lie down,” Magnus advised. “I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrible realization sets in.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Alec looked at her and shook his head. “How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?”
Isabelle shrugged philosophically. “I’m pure at heart. It repels the dirt.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Trains are great dirty smoky things,” said Will. “You won’t like it.”
Tessa was unmoved. “I won’t know if I like it until I try it, will I?”
“I’ve never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn’t like it.”
“But think how entertaining for sightseers,” said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.”

-Cassandra Clare



“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”

-Charles M. Schulz

“But-” Maia, still looking at Alec and Magnus, broke off and rasied her eyebrows. Simon turned to see what she was looking at – and stared.
Alec had his arms around Magnus and was kissing him full on the mouth. Magnus, who appeared to be in a state of shock, stood frozen. Several groups of people – Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike – were staring and whispering. Glancing to the side, Simon saw the Lightwoods, their eyes widen, gaping at the display. Maryse had her hand over her mouth.
Maia looked perplexed. “Wait a second,” she said. “Do we all have to do that, too?”

-Cassandra Clare

“Sebastian just smiled. “I could hear your heart beating,” he said softly. “When you were watching me with Valentine. Did it bother you?”
“That you seem to be dating my dad?” Jace shrugged. “You’re a little young for him, to be honest.”
“What?” For the first time since Jace had met him, Sebastian seemed flabbergasted.”

-Cassandra Clare

“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.”

-Douglas Adams

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.”

-Bill Watterson

“There’s no need to clarify my finger snap,” said Magnus. “The implication was clear in the snap itself.”

-Cassandra Clare

“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”

-Chuck Palahniuk