Published on February 2nd, 2021
Like other things, love these days has become a rare commodity. People still, though, are craving for physical attention, however hard it may be.
Hinge’s director of relationship science Logan Ury who is also a behavioral expert, helps people step out and embrace the concept of online dating. Her new book tackles this topic explicitly, and here we share some of her top tips to find love online.
How Science Can Help You Succeed
There are a few misconceptions that we need to clarify about love and dating. People look for love when they are single but keep repeating the same mistake again and again.
Love though a natural feeling dating is different from it. Finding a suitable mate can be challenging, and if there are others to give advice, the process may be stalled further.
As per behavioral science, you have to understand why you behave the way you do and what steps you need to change this pattern. You can find love online, but you first need to ask yourself specific questions and challenge the assumptions you have.
Don’t Be Put Off By Dating Apps
Dating culture has shown a visible change in the last 15 years or so. Online dating started only in 1994, and it is only in the previous few years that things picked up the pace. Apps have brought love into the lives of many couples.
This includes people who have reduced chances of meeting one like people above 50 years and single parents. You do not need your friends to arrange matches for you, as these online apps are just a click away.
Try To Adjust Your Filters
Relationship science says that things that make relationships long-lasting are factors like emotional connection, trust, loyalty, and overall chemistry between a couple. Yet all the modern daters want to focus on are how much money a person makes or how tall they are.
Once the couple meet, they already have a checklist in mind, and if the date does not fulfill it, the rejection follows.
However, you cannot be sure how that partner would prove for you in the long term. Dating apps give you filters so you can always remove the kind of people you know would never work for you.
So, first, alter your app filters and become flexible about factors that are not so crucial. Apart from that, if you feel there are headers that you can modify, do so, and expand your base of prospective lovers.
Challenge Your Assumptions
Often people assume that a specific category of people is not acceptable as per their standards. For example, a client was going through an app and came on a good-looking guy who looked a perfect match. However, she rejected him, citing his job of a consultant, saying that consultants are boring.
Instead of going with set preconceived notions about people, keep your thoughts open. Find people you think may not be a perfect fit, who knows which one is your soulmate waiting for you.
Be Smart With The Photos
Hinge has done a lot of research on the type of photos. Here are some of the top tips:
- Do not play any guessing games. You really do not want someone to guess what you actually look like. So, no hiding behind sunglasses or pictures with people others can assume are your ex-partners.
- Include photos where you are doing the things you love doing. This informs people about your true passions and things that give you joy.
- Avoid posting any bathroom or gym selfies. To be true, just avoid selfies.
- Include at least one picture where you are with your friends and family. This gives the impression that you have a healthy social life as well.
No Emails Just Cut To The Chase
Move on to the dating process as soon as you can. Arrange a date as soon as you feel that the person has some things in common with you.
If you keep only messaging and delay the meeting, there are chances you would form a particular image of that person. When you eventually meet, even though the person is right for you, they may not match the perceptions.
Try To Date And Not ‘Evaludate’
Dating requires work, but it does not mean you have to copy your work style. You are not in a job interview. If you go for a date with any preconceived thoughts, any chances of attraction cropping up are quashed.
Your first date is not to decide if you want to marry the person. In the first meeting, just pay attention to how you feel and whether you would like to know more about the other person.
Skip The Polite Yet Dull Small Talk
I advise my clients to avoid silly questions and straight away jump to the middle of the conversation. Start with something like, “You would not believe what happened to me today.”
This sort of conversation brings a level of intimacy, and within no time, the couple is talking on a different level altogether. Later on, you can include the boring stuff like where you live and what you do.
Be Sure To End On A High Note
The psychological principle says that people often tend to judge any experience basis on how they felt at its most high point and the end.
Their memory is not an average of their minute-by-minute experience of the event. If you want the person to remember you fondly after you go, give them an exciting complement and then go your way.
Make Use Of The Postdate Eight
Once your date is over, do not forget to ask these simple eight questions:
- What side of me did this person bring out?
- How did my body react during the duration of the date? Was I stiff, relaxed, or anywhere in between?
- Am I feeling more energized or drained out after this date?
- Is there something that wants me to know more about them?
- Did he/she make me laugh?
- Did I feel I was heard?
- Did I feel attractive while I was with them?
- Did I feel interested, bored, or was I somewhere in between?
When you know you have to answer these questions, you will pay more attention to your date.
The Second Date Should Follow By Default
Love, at first sight, is a myth, and mostly you will not feel any sparks in the first meeting itself. If there is a spark, it only shows how charming the other person is and whether you can have a connection with him.
Often the other person would be slow to warm up to you, but later on, they would become a lovely partner.
Instead of looking for that initial spot of desire, try and find traces of loyalty and kindness. I advise my clients that a second date is a must to see how things move on further. Give the other person to warm up, and the wait would be worth it.