Anxious Attachment In Relationships: What It Is And How To Overcome It

December 21st, 2022 | Updated on April 7th, 2023

It can be tough dealing with anxiety in relationships. Some live with a constant fear of doing something wrong or that their partner will inevitably leave them.

You feel your concerns are unjustified, and if you voice them, especially as a woman, you’ll seem like a ‘psycho’. These feelings can quickly become overwhelming and severely harm your relationships.

Anxious attachment is a genuine psychological issue for some people in relationships, and therapists specialise in helping individuals figure out why they feel this way.

It is important to understand why you think the way you do, so you can overcome this anxiety and feel more secure in your relationships.

We’ve put together a helpful guide explaining this form of attachment and how to overcome it:

What Is An Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment in relationships can materialise in various ways, but a typical feeling is needing constant reassurance from your partner.

You may find yourself asking your partner questions all the time. Do you love me? You’re not going to leave me, are you? On top of these emotions, you might struggle with trust, worried your partner will cheat on you because you don’t believe you’re good enough.

People experiencing these emotions need constant validation that they are loved, often seeking relationships and struggling to be single or alone.

Alternatively, people may begin to feel these emotions only when they get together with someone, and this can lead to an unhealthy relationship.

How Does Anxious Attachment Manifest Itself?

Inner beliefs that your partner doesn’t love you or they will cheat on you can often have negative implications on your behaviour.

You may have high anxiety levels or begin to act out, potentially becoming angry, when this anxiety is triggered, leading to a negative experience for your partner.

It can’t help when the whole world makes you feel crazy, leading to your anxiety spiralling even further and repeating the same behaviour patterns in your next relationship.

Breaking the cycle is essential to the health of your current/future relationships. And fundamentally you! Yet you can only achieve this through being kind to yourself and finding a few tools to help you overcome anxious attachments.

Anxious Attachment Begins In Childhood

As with most psychological issues, your parents are responsible for anxious attachment. A child is vulnerable to this type of attachment if love and care from their parents is unpredictable in their early years.

These children may find it challenging to make sense of their caregivers’ actions, feeling that their love is unstable.

Therefore, when they grow up and enter romantic relationships, they may transfer this understanding of love onto their partner and question their affection, as they are used to it being inconsistent.

It is not always a parent’s fault, however. Peer groups also have a massive influence on an anxious attachment style. For example, if you were bullied in school, it may impact how secure you feel in your relationships today.

So how can I help my relationship?

Even addressing this attachment issue is a step in the right direction! Recognising and being aware of it means you are on your way to dealing with your emotions, which is healthy for you and your relationship. However, other, more direct methods can help you overcome anxious attachment.

Educate And Be Easy On Yourself

Getting mad at yourself for being unable to hold onto a relationship due to your anxiety will only worsen these emotions.

Researching why you respond a certain way in relationships allows you to realise not everything is your fault, so you can finally be kind to yourself.

It will help if you practise this so you are ready to take the following steps to improve your relationship anxiety.

Therapy

For some, a therapist can be massively beneficial to overcoming anxious attachment. Speaking to someone who is objective and won’t judge you no matter how bad you think you are, is a great outlet and can help reduce your anxiety.

Together you can work through solutions that will slowly but surely help you overcome your fear and make your relationships healthier.

Therapy isn’t a quick fix, and it often takes years to master your mental health, so don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t work immediately.

Go at your own pace and only reveal what you are comfortable sharing. However, the more you talk, the more a psychological professional can identify the issues holding you back.

Communication

Letting your partner know and helping them understand your anxious attachment can be beneficial. If they are a good person, they won’t judge you and will try to work around the issues you face, catering to your needs and helping you move forward.

Rather than arguing about an internal concern your partner has no clue about, it is more healthy to explain how you feel, no matter how irrational it may sound.

If you are both on the same page, working through your issues in an open, healthy environment can be more manageable and lead to less strain on your partner’s part.

Prioritise Self Care

As mentioned, being kind to yourself is crucial to overcoming these issues. If you have anxious thoughts, such as your partner doesn’t love you, try to journal down your feelings. Having them on paper and seeing them can help organise your anxious thoughts and stop them from spiralling.

Alternatively, meditation is a critical way to reduce stress. It gives your brain the space to calm down and reduce the physical impact of anxiety by controlling your breathing.

Potentially take a break from relationships as well. If being on your own is a struggle, constantly attaching yourself to people will not help solve this anxiety. We are not saying you should exist entirely on your own. You could find a temporary companion, who can lend a learned ear to your issues or help relieve your anxiety.

It is not an easy task to unlearn habits of a lifetime, but in doing so, you are aiding your mental well-being. Your relationship should become healthier if you work on your attachment issues and help your partner understand your feelings.

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