50+ Painfully Funny One Liners

Funny One Liners

December 13th, 2019   |   Updated on March 12th, 2020

These funny one liners are as pithy as they are funny.

Just some very funny summations from some very funny people, all told in one line. Many of these funny one liners are from legendary comedians and others are from random or unknown people.

Enjoy laughing out loud to all these hilarious one liners.

1. “Employee Of The Month Is A Good Example Of How Somebody Can Be Both A Winner And A Loser At The Same Time.” – Demetri Martin

2. “What Is Worse Than Ants In Your Pants? Uncles” – Unknown


3. “I’ve Moved Past Threesomes. I’m Now Into Foursomes. If Someone Backs Out, Then You’ve Still Got A Threesome. If Two People Back Out, You’re Still Having Sex.” – Gregory House


4. “When I Was A Boy, I Laid In My Twin Sized Bed And Wondered Where My Brother Was.” – Mitch Hedberg


5. “It’s Sad That A Family Can Be Torn Apart By Something As Simple As Wild Dogs.” – Jack Handey

6. “I Don’t Have A Girlfriend, But I Know A Girl That Would Get Really Mad If She Heard Me Say That.” – Unknown


7. “My Drug Test Came Back Negative. My Dealer Sure Has Some Explaining To Do.” – Unknown


8. “I Have 3 Kids And No Money, Why I Can’t I Have No Kids And 3 Money.” -homer Simpson


9. “It Became So Cold In New York Last Night That It Forced The Flashers To Describe Themselves To People.” – Unknown


10. “I Think It’s Wrong That Only One Company Makes The Game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright

11. “My Therapist Says I Have A Preoccupation With Vengeance. We’ll See About That.” – Stewart Francis


12. “The Worst Time To Have A Heart Attack Is During A Game Of Charades.” – Demetri Martin


13. “I Have The World’s Largest Collection Of Seashells, You May Have Seen It, I Keep It Scattered On Beaches All Over.” – Unknown


14. “I Want To Die Peacefully In My Sleep, Like My Grandfather.. Not Screaming And Yelling Like The Passengers In His Car.” – Unknown


15. “When Life Gives You Melons, You Might Be Dyslexic.” – Unknown

16. “The Problem Isn’t That Obesity Runs In Your Family. The Problem Is No One Runs In Your Family.” – Unknown


17. “When You Look Like I Do, It’s Hard To Get A Table For One At Chuckee Cheese.” – Zach Galifianakis

18. “I Don’t Want To Be Part Of A Club That Would Have Me As A Member.” – Groucho Marx


19. “My Ex Girlfriend Had This Really Weird Fetish. She Used To Like To Dress Up Like Herself, And Act Like A Fucking Bitch All The Time.” – Bo Burnham


20. “Last Night, I Played Poker With Tarot Cards … Got A Full House And 4 People Died.” – Steven Wright

21. “I Tried To Change My Password To Penis But They Said It Was Too Short.’ – Unknown


22. “My Girlfriend Used To Smoke After Sex, So We Started Using Lube.” – Jimmy Carr


23. “Circumcision Is Popular Because Jewish Girls Won’t Touch Anything That’s Not At Least 15% Off.” – Unknown


24. “The Problem With Kleptomaniacs Is That They Always Take Things Literally.” – Unknown


25. “Sit On My Lap And We’ll Talk About The First Thing That Pops Up.” – Unknown

26. “It Takes A Lot Of Balls To Golf The Way I Do.” – Unknown


27. “Consider The Daffodil…and While You’re Doing That, I’ll Be Over Here, Going Through Your Stuff.” – Jack Handy


28. “I Told Him To Be Himself, That Was Pretty Mean I Guess.” – Roger Sterling


29. “I Have A Friend. He Keeps Trying To Convince Me He’s A Compulsive Liar, But I Don’t Believe Him.” – Ben Bailey


30. “My Father Is Schizophrenia, But He’s Good People.”- Stewart Francis

31. “I Was Going To Tell You A Joke About My Vagina, But You Will Never Get It.” – Unknown


32. “Does My Wife Think I’m A Control Freak? I Haven’t Decided Yet.” – Stewart Francis


33. “You Know What This Shirts Made Out Of? Boyfriend Material.” – Unknown

34. “I Have A Lot Of Growing Up To Do. I Realized That The Other Day Inside My Fort.” – Zach Galifianakis


35. “They Lie About Marijuana: ‘marijuana Makes You Unmotivated.’ Lie. When You’re High, You Can Do Anything You Normally Do Just As Well. You Just Realize It’s Not Worth The Fucking Effort. There’s A Difference.” – Bill Hicks

36. “Who Has Connections To Connecticut? That’s Where Rich People Go To Live The Rest Of Their Life In The Woods.” – Patrice O’Neal


37. “Onions Make Me Sad. A Lot Of People Don’t Realize That.” – Mitch Hedberg


38. “I Looked Up My Family Tree And Found Out I Was The Sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield


39. “I Am Originally From Indiana. I Know What Most Of You Are Thinking: Indiana — Mafia.” – Jim Gaffigan


40. “I Did A Gig In The U.s. Once For The Homeless. I Said ‘it’s Nice To See So Many Bums On Seats.’” – Jimmy Carr