Quotes

50+ Painfully Funny One Liners

Funny One Liners

December 13th, 2019   |   Updated on December 24th, 2019

These funny one liners are as pithy as they are funny.

Just some very funny summations from some very funny people, all told in one line. Many of these funny one liners are from legendary comedians and others are from random or unknown people.

Enjoy laughing out loud to all these hilarious one liners.

1. “Employee Of The Month Is A Good Example Of How Somebody Can Be Both A Winner And A Loser At The Same Time.” – Demetri Martin

2. “What Is Worse Than Ants In Your Pants? Uncles” – Unknown

 

3. “I’ve Moved Past Threesomes. I’m Now Into Foursomes. If Someone Backs Out, Then You’ve Still Got A Threesome. If Two People Back Out, You’re Still Having Sex.” – Gregory House

 

4. “When I Was A Boy, I Laid In My Twin Sized Bed And Wondered Where My Brother Was.” – Mitch Hedberg

 

5. “It’s Sad That A Family Can Be Torn Apart By Something As Simple As Wild Dogs.” – Jack Handey

6. “I Don’t Have A Girlfriend, But I Know A Girl That Would Get Really Mad If She Heard Me Say That.” – Unknown

 

7. “My Drug Test Came Back Negative. My Dealer Sure Has Some Explaining To Do.” – Unknown

 

8. “I Have 3 Kids And No Money, Why I Can’t I Have No Kids And 3 Money.” -homer Simpson

 

9. “It Became So Cold In New York Last Night That It Forced The Flashers To Describe Themselves To People.” – Unknown

 

10. “I Think It’s Wrong That Only One Company Makes The Game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright

11. “My Therapist Says I Have A Preoccupation With Vengeance. We’ll See About That.” – Stewart Francis

 

12. “The Worst Time To Have A Heart Attack Is During A Game Of Charades.” – Demetri Martin

 

13. “I Have The World’s Largest Collection Of Seashells, You May Have Seen It, I Keep It Scattered On Beaches All Over.” – Unknown

 

14. “I Want To Die Peacefully In My Sleep, Like My Grandfather.. Not Screaming And Yelling Like The Passengers In His Car.” – Unknown

 

15. “When Life Gives You Melons, You Might Be Dyslexic.” – Unknown

16. “The Problem Isn’t That Obesity Runs In Your Family. The Problem Is No One Runs In Your Family.” – Unknown

 

17. “When You Look Like I Do, It’s Hard To Get A Table For One At Chuckee Cheese.” – Zach Galifianakis

 

18. “I Don’t Want To Be Part Of A Club That Would Have Me As A Member.” – Groucho Marx

 

19. “My Ex Girlfriend Had This Really Weird Fetish. She Used To Like To Dress Up Like Herself, And Act Like A Fucking Bitch All The Time.” – Bo Burnham

 

20. “Last Night, I Played Poker With Tarot Cards … Got A Full House And 4 People Died.” – Steven Wright

21. “I Tried To Change My Password To Penis But They Said It Was Too Short.’ – Unknown

 

22. “My Girlfriend Used To Smoke After Sex, So We Started Using Lube.” – Jimmy Carr

 

23. “Circumcision Is Popular Because Jewish Girls Won’t Touch Anything That’s Not At Least 15% Off.” – Unknown

 

24. “The Problem With Kleptomaniacs Is That They Always Take Things Literally.” – Unknown

 

25. “Sit On My Lap And We’ll Talk About The First Thing That Pops Up.” – Unknown

26. “It Takes A Lot Of Balls To Golf The Way I Do.” – Unknown

 

27. “Consider The Daffodil…and While You’re Doing That, I’ll Be Over Here, Going Through Your Stuff.” – Jack Handy

 

28. “I Told Him To Be Himself, That Was Pretty Mean I Guess.” – Roger Sterling

 

29. “I Have A Friend. He Keeps Trying To Convince Me He’s A Compulsive Liar, But I Don’t Believe Him.” – Ben Bailey

 

30. “My Father Is Schizophrenia, But He’s Good People.”- Stewart Francis

31. “I Was Going To Tell You A Joke About My Vagina, But You Will Never Get It.” – Unknown

 

32. “Does My Wife Think I’m A Control Freak? I Haven’t Decided Yet.” – Stewart Francis

 

33. “You Know What This Shirts Made Out Of? Boyfriend Material.” – Unknown

 

34. “I Have A Lot Of Growing Up To Do. I Realized That The Other Day Inside My Fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

 

35. “They Lie About Marijuana: ‘marijuana Makes You Unmotivated.’ Lie. When You’re High, You Can Do Anything You Normally Do Just As Well. You Just Realize It’s Not Worth The Fucking Effort. There’s A Difference.” – Bill Hicks

36. “Who Has Connections To Connecticut? That’s Where Rich People Go To Live The Rest Of Their Life In The Woods.” – Patrice O’Neal

 

37. “Onions Make Me Sad. A Lot Of People Don’t Realize That.” – Mitch Hedberg

 

38. “I Looked Up My Family Tree And Found Out I Was The Sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

 

39. “I Am Originally From Indiana. I Know What Most Of You Are Thinking: Indiana — Mafia.” – Jim Gaffigan

 

40. “I Did A Gig In The U.s. Once For The Homeless. I Said ‘it’s Nice To See So Many Bums On Seats.’” – Jimmy Carr