January 2nd, 2018 | Updated on June 29th, 2022
1. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
2. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
3. Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
4. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!
5. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
6. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
7. That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
8. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
9. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
10. There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
11. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
12. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
13. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
14. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
15. Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town.
16. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
17. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
18. Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.
19. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
20. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
21. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
22. Don’t just teach your children to read…teach them to question everything that they read…teach them to question everything.
23. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
