All relationship problems stem from poor communication. Beginning a relationship is generally the easy part, it’s keeping a relationship alive that gets a little tricky. Relationships don’t look like they used to.
Here are a few ways to find solutions to your love problems without going to couples counseling.
1. Settle the past.
Work with a therapist to understand how and why you picked your failed marriage.
2. Realize you can make a choice.
OK. Something bad happened. You are not a victim. You can and will move on.
3. Learn who’s safe and not safe and how to be safe.
Once fooled, twice smart. Learn the early warning signs that someone lacks integrity and construct proper boundaries to keep people like that far from your heart.
4. Get clear about your expectations.
What do you want for yourself? What are you moving toward? Know what your values are and be clear about what you’re looking for in a relationship. Then, be bold about not settling for less.
5. Realize there are wonderful people everywhere.
Uh huh, you ended up with a world class schmuck AND the world is full of really great people.
6. Learn where to go to meet people who enjoy the same things you do.
If you like to dance, take dance lessons. If you like to hike, join a trail club.
7. Hold off on the sex.
Give yourself time to get to know someone before jumping in the sack. Sociologist Dr. Edward Lauman’s research found that 85 percent of couples had known each other at least 30 days before having sex and 45 percent waited at least a year.
8. Check out their “fit.”
How are they around your family and friends? How comfortable are you around theirs?
9. Pay attention to their overall behavior.
Is this person an “easy keeper” or is your relationship full of drama? Are there periodic temper tantrums? Regular “flake sessions?” If so, next!
10. Listen to your gut.
You have a built-in radar that alerts you when something is up. So, listen to and honor your intuition.
11. Make Your Relationship a Top Priority.
Relationships are like living things: they are either growing or dying. Relationships grow and flourish when we invest and nurture them. When relationships are struggling, it’s often a sign that they have been neglected. To strengthen a struggling relationship, you must make it a top priority of your time and energy.
12. Accept that Disappointment Will Happen in every Relationship.
Disappointment happens when our expectations don’t match reality. Two people will always have differences in their expectations. This means that disappointments will happen in every relationship. We have a tendency to focus on the negative and we then use this “evidence” to reinforce the belief that our relationships are filled with disappointment.
13. Don’t Make Derogatory Comments, Insults & Belittling Remarks.
The words you use are powerful. When you put down your partner or your relationship, you are causing damage. Choose to break habits that damage the relationship, especially when you feel frustrated and disappointed. Use words that show respect, love, and hope. Plant the seeds you want to grow.
14. Don’t Stonewall.
Stonewalling is a passive-aggressive tactic that may seem neutral, but is very damaging. Whenever you ignore, stall, and refuse to participate, you are stonewalling. It is a power-play intended to break down the opposition. It keeps the relationship in a “me versus you” dynamic. For a relationship to survive, it must be an “us against the world” commitment.
15. Don’t Play the Blame Game.
This is a game no one wins. Even if you are successful in blaming all your problems on your partner, you still are stuck with all those problems and the feelings that come with them. The only way to begin transforming your problems into solutions is to take full responsibility for the parts you play. Stop blaming and start creating the relationship you want.
16. Let Go of the Desire to Fix or Change Your Partner.
William Glasser teaches in Choice Theory that the key to changing any relationship is to fully accept that you cannot change anyone except yourself. The sooner you fully accept this as truth, the sooner you will begin to heal and grow together.
17. Focus on the Qualities You Love & Respect in Your Partner.
Remember the moments and reasons why this person became special and important to you. Trust that all those things are still true. Close your eyes and hold those moments in your heart.
18. Believe That Your Partner Has Good Intentions.
Psychological studies have proven that once we become convinced of an idea, our brain will ignore and discredit information that contradicts what we believe. When we are feeling hurt and disappointed, we have a tendency to turn our partner into the villain.
19. Learn How to Forgive.
We have many misunderstandings about what forgiveness means. Forgiveness does not mean you give permission for someone to mistreat you. It means that you accept that we are all doing the best we can. Surely if we knew better, we would do better.
20. Learn How to Be Fully Present.
There is a difference between being in the room and being present. There is a difference between hearing and listening. Being fully present means that when your partner speaks, you don’t assume you already know what he/she thinks.
21. Ask Your Partner to Share.
Ask, “Are you willing to share with me? Whenever you’re ready to share, I’m ready to hear. And I will wait until you feel safe,” then practice being fully present.
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Video: YouTube.com : Him-eesh Madaan
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source : womansday.com, lifehack.org