Published on April 14th, 2021
1. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they ‘doing the nasty’.
Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”
2. “Did you get that for your birthday?” He asked.
“No!” Jimmy replied.
3. “You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“No!” said Jimmy.
4. “Well did you get it for Christmas then?” Johnny asked.
5. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they ‘doing the nasty’.
Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”
6. I asked little Johnny, ‘What would you like for your birthday?’
He said, ‘Tampons please.’
7. I said, ‘Tampons!? Why do you want tampons for your birthday!?’
He replied, ‘I saw a great TV ad. With a tampon you can go swimming, biking and skiing.’
8. Little Johnny asks his mum, “Mum, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time in a faraway land’?”
“No darling,” says his mother, somewhat distressed, “Sometimes, they can begin with ‘I’ve got too much work in the office tonight, I’ll come home later”
9. After Sunday school, the teacher released the kids to go to church and reminded them, “You all know to be very nice and quiet in the church. And why is that?”
Little Johnny offers, “Miss, it’s so we wouldn’t wake all those people sleeping.”
10. During an English lesson, the teacher asks, “Can anyone give me an example for the word ‘COINCIDENCE’?”
Little Johnny volunteers, “Sir, my mum and dad were married on the same day.”
11. History teacher asks Little Johnny: Where was the French – English peace treaty from 1800 signed?
Little Johnny: “Bottom right corner.”
12. Mom: “Wonderful, looks like your team won, right?”
Little Johnny: “Not really, we played 2:2.”
13. Startled, the teacher says, “Oh, do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, Miss, but I didn’t want to leave you standing all alone!”
14. “Why on Earth would you want me to throw you a fish?!”
“Because I want to tell everybody at home that I caught a fish.
15. A teacher in Sunday school once asked Little Johnny, “Johnny, do you believe in the Devil?”
“No,” said Little Johnny knowledgeably. “It’s just like with Santa Claus. I know it’s really my dad.”
16. The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny: “BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?”
17. Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
18. Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
19. Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
20. Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
21. Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
22. Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
23. Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”
24. The teacher asked Little Johnny: “How can you prove the earth is round?”
Little Johnny replied: “I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.”
25. Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.
Dad: Rubing on the horse’s chest and butt.
Little Johnny: what are you doing?
Dad: checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it.
Little Johnny: Oh well I think the mall man wants to buy mom.
26. Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly.
27. Teacher: “Why are you praying in class little Johnny?”
Little Johnny: “My mom taught me to always pray before going to sleep.”
28. Teacher: Tell us, Johnny, where is your father staying on business?
Johnny: In Vishakhapatnam.
Teacher: How interesting. And now tell us all how it is spelled.
Johnny: Oh, I just remembered he got reposted to Goa.
29. His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”
30. So the teacher asked “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”
Johnny said, “Yes.”
31. “Well, what did the principal say?”
“He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number …”
32. A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Little Johnny replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
33. Little Johnny: “Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?”
Mum: “No it doesn’t my son.”
Little Johnny: “Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed …”
34. Johnny asks his grandpa, “do you still have sex with granny?”
Grandpa says, “Yes, but only oral.”
35. Johnny asks, “What is oral?”
Grandpa says, “I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too.”
36. A teacher asks her class: “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”
37. Doctor: “How did such a thing happen?”
Johnny: “It’s that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp.”
38. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you!” he said.
39. “But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a condom.”
40. One day, Little Johnny’s teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!”
“Ice cream, ma’am!” Little Mary answered.
41. Teacher: “Can you tell me something important that didn’t exist 100 years ago?”
Little Johnny: “Me!”
42. Teacher: “Give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat and detail in it.”
Little Johnny: “When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go before detail!”
43. Teacher: “What is the most common phrase used in school?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know!”
44. Teacher: “Fred can you find me America on the map please?”
Fred: “There it is!”
45. Teacher: “Now, Johnny, who discovered America?”
Little Johnny: “Fred did!”
46. Mother: “Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?”
Little Johnny: “Two things – I got 50 in spelling and 50 in history.”
47. “Wonderful!” Clinton beams. “Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Johnny, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!”
48. “What?” asks Clinton, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally Little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: “If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy.”
49. Teacher: “Where was the Declaration of Independance signed?”
Little Johnny: “At the bottom!”