50 Funny Nurse Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funny Nurse Jokes

April 22nd, 2021   |   Updated on January 23rd, 2024

Nurses are incredible people. They put through long hours in difficult surroundings and (on occasion) deal with irritable patients, all while providing compassionate care with a smile.

Their days are both psychologically and physically draining and fulfilling. However, if you ask any nurse why they’re doing it they do, they would tell you that they enjoy caring for people.

Having a good sense of humor can help nurses get by.

nurse jokes

If you’re a health professional, using a few nurse puns to communicate course material, hold learners’ attention, ease anxiety, develop rapport with students, and make the learning process entertaining can be a successful, multipurpose training tool.

Humor was discovered to be a significant but underutilized tool in nurse-patient contact in a hospital context, according to a phenomenological study. Humor or nurse jokes were discovered to be effective in the same study.

Funny Nurse Jokes

nurse jokes funny

1. A nurse walks towards a man informing him his wife didn’t make it while giving him the baby.

He gives the baby back to the nurse and said, “Give me the one me and my wife made.”


2. What is the proper way to use a stress ball?

Throw it at the last person who made you mad.


3. How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse?

Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its a$$ chewed!


4. Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?

It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!


5. The nurse who can smile when things go wrong…

Is probably going off duty.


6. Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?

In case they have to draw blood.


7. How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just have a nursing student do it.


8. What’s It Called When A Hospital Runs Out Of Maternity Nurses?

A mid-wife crisis!


9. How do you know the dead body by the side of the road is a nurse?

Because the stomach is empty, the bladder is full, and the rear is chewed.


10. “Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days!”

Dirty Nurse Jokes

Dirty Nurse Jokes

11. Doctor to a blonde nurse, “Did you take this patient’s temperature?”

Nurse, “No. Why is it missing?”


12. When I went to get my vaccinations the young nurse told me she was very nervous as it was her first time.

I told her to give it her best shot.


13. Why do nurses bring red magic markers into work?

In case they have to draw blood.


14. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.


15. Nurse to doctor, “There’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he is invisible.”

Doctor, “Tell him I can’t see him.”


16. A nurse caring for a man from Kentucky asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.


17. What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

“Some asshole has my pen!”


18. What do you call two ITU nurses holding hands?

A synapse.


19. Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk quietly past the medicine cabinet?

So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.


20. What Do Transplant Nurses Hate?


Nurse Jokes One Liners

Nurse Jokes One Liners

21. Doctor to nurse, “How is the child who swallowed a few quarters doing?”

Nurse, “No change.”


22. Why do nurses bring red magic markers into work?

In case they have to draw blood.


23. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”


24. Did you hear about the guy who had his entire left side cut off?

He’s all right now.


25. You should always be kind to nurses. Remember they choose your catheter size.


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26. What did the emu say to the nurse?

Mend her bones or walk the plank.


27. What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

“Some asshole has my pen!”


28. What is the opposite of you’re out?



29. How long does it take a nurse to change a light bulb?

About 15 seconds tops to change it and 20 minutes to document it – how, when, where, why, and what serial number it had.


30. How do you handle Metronidazole?

Carefully… because it’s Flagyl!

Knock Knock Nurse Jokes

Knock Knock Nurse Jokes

31. Why did the nurse go to art school?

So they could learn to draw blood.


32. Sign on the lawn at a rehab center…. Keep off the grass.


33. I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a nurse advised me to take the candles off first.


34. I don’t find medical puns funny anymore since I developed an irony deficiency.


35. Had to wait ages for my X-ray today at the hospital. There was only a skeleton staff working.


36. Patient to nurse, “Will I be able to play the guitar after this operation?”

Nurse, “Yes, of course.”

Patient “That’s great because I couldn’t before.”


37. The local hospital hired a Roman nurse.

Complications arose when the IV was issued to bed #4.


38. When is the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades!


39. I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight… to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care.


40. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Short Nurse Jokes

nurse jokes dirty

41. I had to take my son to the hospital after he swallowed ten quarters. He was rushed to surgery.

After half an hour I saw a nurse so I asked her how he was. She said, “There’s no change yet.”


42. I have some good news and some bad news. Don’t worry I’ll give the good news to your widow.


43. Nurse: Sorry for the waiting

Me: No problem, I’m patient.


44. Patient to nurse, “I feel run down.”

Nurse, “ What makes you say that?”

Patient, “The tire marks across my legs.”


45. All the nurses are dressing up as witches for Halloween!

They will be caretakers.


46. You should always be kind to nurses. Remember they choose your catheter size.


47. What did the nurse say when the doctor decided to stay home?

Suture self!


48. Where do boats go when they are sick?

To the dock.


49. After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”


50. A nurse died and went to Hell.

There it took him two weeks to realize he wasn’t at work.


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