April 12th, 2021 | Updated on June 4th, 2022
1. Why are T-Rex’s unable to clap their hands?
Because they are extinct.
2. I’m on a seafood diet.
It is going to be really tough for me, I lost a bet to a friend and the problem is I am a vegetarian.
3. A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says “hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper replies “What, you have a drink called Steve?”
4. What is red and extremely bad for your teeth?
A flying brick.
5. What did number 7 say to number 9?
Nothing, numbers don’t talk.
6. What is the funniest of all anti jokes?
Definitely not this one.
7. What did the American guy say to the other American guy?
Hi there, my name is also Guy.
8. A group of ducks flew overhead in a V formation.
Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?
It has more ducks.
9. What did one German man say to the other German man?
I have no idea, I can’t speak German.
10. What do you call a talking turtle?
A cartoon.
11. What do you call a carwash that won’t was cars anymore?
Broken.
12. What is the best part about Switzerland?
Personally I love the beautiful mountains and scenery.
14. If you took every in the unemployment line and laid them all head to toe, they would all be a lot more comfortable.
15. What is the opposite of a country water well?
A metropolitan sewer pipe.
16. What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the batmobile?Robin!
Get in the batmobile!
17. There are only 2 types of people in this world.
Those that invert the y-axis and those that don’t.
18. Take my wife now please!
We have run out of gas and she is late for work.
19. What is a birds favourite social media to use?
None of them, birds don’t use computers.
20. An apple a day
Is extremely poor form if you sell apples for a living.
21. Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was most likely to eat some seeds or lay an egg. CHickens are pretty broing animals and don’t tend to do much else.
22. My wife said that she would divorce me if I continued to play numerous board games everyday.It is really weighing me down and I’m not sure how to fix this.
23. What do you call someone who counts all of the boxes of pencils at the pencil factory?
A warehouse manager.
24. How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, unless they require assistance for some reason.
25. What happens when you pass your drivers test?
You don’t fail it.
26. Hey there, if you are reading this…
You are definitely literate.
27. What do you call a dog with no legs?
A dog with no legs.
28. A man walks into a bar, another man walks into the bar. Many people are walking into the bar.
It is a great night for business.
29. Why did the man put hot water in the freezer?
because he wanted to make ice cubes for his guests drinks.
30. A man died after eating 300 hot dogs.
Don’t eat 300 hot dogs.
31. What do you call a blonde attending cooking school?
I know one called Barbara, she is doing really well and one day I am sure she will be a successful chef.
32. A bartender walks into a bar, he was off to work for the night.
33. I am not from an English speaking country.
Because countries are unable to speak.
34. Shrek walks into a bar.
Just kidding, Shrek is a fictional character.
35. A blonde walks into church to confess a sin to the church priest.
Unfortunately he is away for the day so the blonde must return again tomorrow.
36. Why did the blonde lady have trouble driving at night.
She had an issue with her current pair of glasses, she will get them fixed this week though.
37. A man stumbles upon an old lamp in a cave.
He turns it on so he can see where he is going.
38. What has 2 thumbs and won’t crap?
Me because I am constipated.
39. I like my coffee like I like my coffee.
coffee.
40. What do you get when you cross a sheep with a turtle?
Nothing, those 2 animals are unable to cross breed.
41. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
It is a delivery of flowers and chocolate to cheer you up.
42. What do you call a ladybug that is a man?
A ladybug.
43. What is the hardest thing about cooking vegetables?
Absolutely nothing! Stop making excuses and start eating your greens.
44. My girlfriend asked me what she should do if she gets rear ended.
I told her to ensure her insurance payments are up to date and possibly install a towbar for protection.
45. What is blue and looks like a couch?
My couch.
46. What do you call a cat that is drinking?
A cat.
47. What is the worst time to get a haircut?
When you don’t want a haircut.
48. Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was most likely to eat some seeds or lay an egg. Chickens are pretty broing animals and don’t tend to do much else.
49. What is pink, rare and difficult to eat?
Raw pork meat.
50. What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A horrible boating accident.
