April 16th, 2021 | Updated on December 13th, 2021
1. “The two amounts of pasta I’m best at cooking: 1. not enough 2. enough for 3,000 people.”
2. Son: “Mom, can I get $20?”
Mom: “Does it look like I’m made of money?”
Son: “Well, isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?”
3. “It’s spicy: universal Mom Code for ‘I don’t want to share.”
4. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
“Where’s Pop corn?”
5. “I’m homeschooling like that substitute teacher who rolls in the tv for a movie and just eats snacks in the back of the class.”
6. Daughter: “Mom, I need my personal space!”
Mom: “You came out of my personal space.”
5. Mother: One person who does the work of 20 for free.
6. “If I get through this quarantine without buying a tie-dye sweatsuit I can do anything.”
7. Don’t wake up mom! There are at least seven species who eat their young.
Your mom may be one of them.
8. “I love my kids. Not enough to flip the fish sticks halfway through cooking, but I love them.”
9. I asked a police recruit during an exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He said, “Call for backup.”
10. “Mom’s recipe for iced coffee: 1. Have kids. 2. Make coffee. 3. Forget you made coffee. 4. Drink it cold.”
11. “I always remind my kids: Having a weird mom builds character.” -Wellnessmama
12. “Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?”
“I don’t know, ask your grandma!”
13. Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long!
14. “Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning, you can braid hair while I pack lunches, and we can all be late.” -Simoncholland
15. What are the three quickest ways to spread a rumor?
The internet, telephone, and telling your mom.
16. “They say women speak 20,000 words a day.
I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.”
17. What do you call a small mom?
18. “A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do in a day.”
19. “It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” -Carrie Underwood
20. “Please excuse the mess, my kids are making memories. Of me yelling at them.
To clean up the mess.”
21. A mother said to her son, “Look at that kid over there; he’s not misbehaving.”
The son replied, “Maybe he has good parents then!”
22. “Some days I do yoga and don’t yell at my kids. Some days I scream at them while eating cake over the kitchen sink. It’s called balance.” -Katiebinghamsmith
23. “How do I explain [my mom]? She is as respected as Mother Teresa, as powerful as Stalin, and as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.” -Leslie Knope
24. “I love it when I find myself screaming ‘STOP SCREAMING’ at my kids. That’s how I teach them irony.”
25. What did the Mama tomato say to the Baby tomato?
26. “A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’
He said, ‘Call for backup.’ “
27. Why don’t mothers wear watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
28. “Silence is golden. Unless you have kids.
Then silence is suspicious.”
29. Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because his mom was in a jam!
30. “One minute you are young and cool, maybe even a little dangerous, and the next you are reading Amazon reviews for birdseed.”
31. What did the mama say to the foal?
“It’s pasture your bedtime.”
32. “Why was the house so neat on Mother’s Day?
Because Mom spent all day Saturday cleaning it.”
33. What did Mommy spider say to Baby spider?
“You spend too much time on the web.”
34. “Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because his mom was in a jam!”
35. What did the Mother broom say to the Baby broom?
“It’s time to go to sweep!”
36. “I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember because our kids interrupted us 175 times.” -Mommy Owl
37. Science teacher: “When is the boiling point reached?”
Student: “When my mother sees my report card!”
38. “I love all my children equally. Except for the one that sleeps… I love that one more.” -Unknown
39. “Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!” -Humpty Dumpty’s mother
40. “What kind of sweets do astronaut moms like? Mars bars.”
41. “I’ve got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?” -Goldilocks’ mother
42. “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” -Michelangelo’s mother
43. “Why is a computer so smart? Because it listens to its motherboard.”
44. Daughter: “Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?”
Mother: “I don’t know dear, ask your grandmother.”
45. “Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.”
46. “If at first you don’t succeed… try doing it the way Mom told you to in the beginning.” -Unknown
47. “What kind of flowers are best for Mother’s Day? Mums.”
48. Narrator: “Mommy never thought about it.
She knew it was ‘no’ all along and just wanted everyone to STFU.”
49. “What’s black and white and goes round and round? A penguin in the washing machine.”