April 17th, 2021 | Updated on December 13th, 2021
1. How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
2. “Are you going to come along quietly, or do you want musical accompaniment?”
Spike Milligan
3. How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
4. “I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is.”
Steven Wright
5. Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
6. “I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.”
Eric Morecambe
7. Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
8. “The first time I sang in the church choir, 200 people changed their religion.”
Fred Allen
9. What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
10. “I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.”
George Burns
11. What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
12. “When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.”
Bob Hope
13. Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
14. “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
Johnny Carson
15. Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
16. “There’s more evil in the pop charts than an Al Qaida suggestion box.”
Bill Bailey
17. What kind of musical instrument do rats play?
Mouse organs.
18. “Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
19. What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
20. “My favourite band is called Cockles And Mussels. I saw them alive alive-o in concert.”
Tim Vine
21. Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
22. “Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
Groucho Marx
23. What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
24. “I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent, they kicked me out for panhandling.”
Jay London
25. What makes songs, but never sings?
Notes.
26. “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”
Dave Lee Roth, Van Halen
27. Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
28. “Not seeing my physician for 20 years was one of those phobias that really didn’t pay off.”
Warren Zevon
29. Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
30. “Australia’s gift to insomniacs… the blonde singing the bland.”
Minnie Riperton
31. What’s big and grey with horns?
An elephant marching band.
32. “All music is folk music. I ain’t never heard a horse sing a song.”
Louis Armstrong
33. Which elf was the best singer?
ELFis Presley.
34. “I don’t have a drinking problem, ’cept when I can’t get a drink.”
Tom Waits
35. What kind of music do bunnies like?
Hip Hop.
36. “If you wanted to torture me, you’d tie me down and force me to watch our first five videos.”
Jon Bon Jovi
37. What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
The trombone.
38. “I don’t perform… seals perform.”
Morrissey
39. Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
40. “For Lent, I’ve given up music… there is a God.”
James Blunt
41. Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
42. “Get up from that piano. You hurtin’ its feelings.”
Jelly Roll Morton
43. What makes music on your head?
A headband.
44. “I met her in the museum of palaeontology. And I make no bones about it.”
Jarvis Cocker
45. What part of the turkey is musical?
The drumstick.
46. “In the 60s, the record companies seemed to sign anything with long hair; if it was a sheepdog, so what?”
Nick Mason
47. What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
48. “We only knew four chords, but we arranged them pretty well.”
Lemmy, on Hawkwind
49. What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
