April 12th, 2021 | Updated on March 26th, 2022
These 50 hilarious, obscene jokes are never fully suitable, regardless of the situation. But if you’re brave enough to deliver a punchline, you’ll be rewarded with chuckles. There’s no shame in laughing at or sharing an R-rated joke with your buddies. Adult dirty jokes, it turns out, are some of the most beautifully produced, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes. So keep reading for some of the filthiest and funniest jokes we’ve ever heard.
We dare you not to laugh out loud when you read them to your pals. Make careful to mention them to your true pals, as only they will get these filthy jokes. So keep scrolling if you’re ready for some bizarre, nefarious, and hysterically funny jokes.
1. “You never know where to look when eating a banana.” -Peter Kay
2.“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?” -Jimmy Carr
3. “I didn’t have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67. And that was cos I’d no small change for the window cleaner.” -Victoria Wood
4.“If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm, it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?” -Russell Howard
5.“I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel. She died.” -Gary Delaney
6.“The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever. I’m 42 years of age, I literally have to hit it with nettles. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat.” -Greg Davies
7.“Looking at my penis, I find it endlessly fascinating. It’s 46 years old, my penis. 46! It’s older than the Sydney Opera House, my penis!” -Rhod Gilbert
8.“I’ve never laughed a woman in to bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.” -Jack Whitehall
9.“People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you from seeing the television properly.” -Victoria Wood
10.“Mr Circumcision refused his knighthood.” -Rob Carter
11.“I’ve got a boyfriend at the moment. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not. I prefer it when he’s not. Sex is a lot quicker.” -Sarah Millican
12.“I don’t like my boyfriend watching pornography. I do think it’s kind of a form of infidelity, because he’ll be imagining himself having sex with other women, and I don’t understand why he needs to watch it when I draw him such great vaginas.” -Sara Pascoe
13.[On The Big Fat Quiz of the Year] “I’ve answered at tedious length. ‘Tedious Length’ is also my porn name.” -David Mitchell
14.“They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie, isn’t it? You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A b**t plug? Same here!” -Russell Howard
15.“I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.” -Victoria Wood
16.“I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.” -Frankie Boyle
17.“Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.” -Jimmy Carr
18.“What kind of nut doesn’t like money?” -Cash ew
19.“Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” -Billy Connolly
20.“Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.” -Peter Kay
21.“You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.” -Sara Pascoe
22.“The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.” -Sarah Millican
23.“A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!’” -Gary Delaney
24.“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” -Frankie Boyle
25.“What kind of music do mummies listen to?” -Wrap music
26.“What do you call a video of two toads having sex? Frogspawn.” -David Ephgrave
27.“I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy goes, ‘So you can put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.” -Gary Delaney
28.“I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” -Russell Howard
29.“Not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger. Just all in my experience.” -David Mitchell
30.“Animals don’t watch porn do they? Unless you include my cat.” -Frankie Boyle
31.“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” -Jimmy Carr
32.“From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.” -Sarah Millican
33.“Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.” -Victoria Wood
34.“Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.” -Ken Dodd
35.“Better sexy and racy, than sexist and racist.” -Stephen Fry
36.“When I was 11, my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus. I look back as an adult and I think, ‘Oh, she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure.’ It had the exact opposite effect – there is no way you can enjoy yourself with a man between your legs if you’re thinking, ‘Hmm, Mum’d be proud.” -Sara Pascoe
37.“I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.” -Gary Delaney
38.“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?” -Billy Connolly
39.“The thing I don’t get about paedophilia… Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?” -Frankie Boyle
40.“I’ve currently got a stalker. But you probably can’t tell in these trousers.” -Gary Delaney
41.“I saw a dildo the other day described as “nine inches long and realistic”. I thought, “Well, which is it?” -Gary Delaney
42.“I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay. I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning.” -Gary Delaney
43.“I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean.” -Gary Delaney
44.“The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape. Obviously, they don’t know that yet.” -Gary Delaney
45. What is six inches long, two inches wide, and makes everyone go crazy?
A $100 bill.
46. Knock, knock.
47. Did you hear about the man who got turned into a giant penis?
He was a real dick about it.
48. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
49. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
50. My girlfriend asked me if I smoke after sex…
I said I haven’t looked.