Published on April 15th, 2021
1. This Quarantine lockdown sure is messing with other peoples heads, I just saw my neighbor talking to his cat!!
Told this to my dog and we both laughed our assess off.
2. I recently bought a German car, but the navigation system is all messed up.
It only gives directions to Poland.
3. Why shouldn’t you mess with a paleontologist?
Because you’ll get jurrasskicked.
4. My children messed up the furniture…
when i got home from work i said “Oh how the tables have turned…”
5. I was messing around at my great grandma’s 100th birthday Party
So she asked me to act my age. I replied with “you should also act your age”.
This is the story of how my Great Grandma’s Birthday Party turned into her funeral.
6. If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants,
I’m going to kill him with my bear hands.
7. I started laughing at the mess the ice made
That titanic memorial didn’t work out well
8. What’d the Parisian chef say when he messed up his Pancakes?
9. Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess
It’s the first time my house ever got a treesome
10. Heroin really messed up my household…
All the spoons are missing.
11. Drinking alcohol slowly turned me into an emotional mess.
So I started drinking it faster.
12. My friend said my taste in dark humor is really messed up.
I think he’s just racist; Pryor, Rock, and Chappelle are legends.
13. My mate loves red wine. She hates it when people mess with it….
I thought I know I’ll add some fruit and Lemonade….
But now she’s sangria than ever…
14. Why is Owen Wilson’s nose all messed up?
He KaCHOO’ed too hard!
15. How do they clean up messes at the Vatican?
16. I think Samsung has messed up with my new phone’s shipment.
I had booked a Galaxy Note ”S7”, not C4.
17. Do you know about the female cow that always messed up?
Her name was miss steak
18. I messed up today by sending a picture of my junk to everyone in my contact list.
Cost me a fortune in stamps too.
19. I always make a mess when cooking rice on my stovetop.
It is a starch reminder.
20. Why do women always have sex with the lights off?
Because they never like to see a man having a good time.
21. What do yo call a tall, muscular Irishman with a temper that you shouldn’t mess with?
22. What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
23. I ate a Portuguese tart today, and got mess all over my face
Still, she enjoyed it, and said ‘Obrigado’ afterwards
24. If I had a dollar for every time I messed up the punchline
To get to the other side
25. You should never mess with chinese people
Because there a good chance you mess with the Wong family
26. What’s the most messed up trap for Santa?
A Nicolas Cage.
27. Why should you never mess with a beaver in the wild?
Because it’s none of your dam business.
28. Somebody messed up my small weighing scale.
I was like 0MG!
29. Why does the farmer always threaten the travelling salesman with a shotgun if he messes around with his daughter?
In Alabama, you don’t lay with another man’s woman.
30. Did you hear about the blind prostitute?
Well, you got to hand it to her.
31. What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess?
We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.
32. This feline messed up my clothes
What a catastrophe!
33. I messed up during a guitar recital.
I didn’t think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake…
34. I got called a misogynist today which is messed up
Because I love getting massages.
I just prefer getting them from men because they’re better at it
35. Why did no one in prison want to mess with the mitochondria?
It was the powerhouse of the cells
36. I tried making a steak and cheese omelette but I messed up the flip…
I guess you can say that I beefed the eggsecution.
37. People think my room is a mess, but it’s actually very organized
Everything is sorted by date of last use. If I used it recently, it’s on top of something.
38. A Russian artist was drawing a landscape and he messed up…
…so he had to retrace his steppes.
39. What’s it called when your backpack messes up your spine?
40. Today I messed up my signature on a cheque.
It isn’t a good sign.
41. What do you call Cheerios that messed around behind their boyfriend’s back?
42. I used to hate it when people slightly messed up proverbs…
But I guess it’s no use crying over spoiled milk.
43. Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess.
I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands.
44. Why is Satan’s barber always nervous?
Because last time he messed up there was hell toupee.
45. I was so angry the doctor messed up my lobotomy.
I gave him a piece of my mind.
46. Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
47. Black Sabbath accused Dio of sneaking into the studio at night and messing with the mix
That seems a little paranoid.
48. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
49. What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.