Published on April 17th, 2021
1. I like my coffee better if it’s more bitter
Particularly if it’s been laid off recently.
2. If you sit down to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, then your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.
3. I’m designing a coffee maker that tells you a joke as it’s percolating.
I call it the Brew-HaHa.
4. Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Very, very seriously.
5. What’s a barista’s favorite exercise at the gym?
The French press.
6. Sleep is a weak substitute for coffee.
7. Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
Spouse #2: That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.
8. What do you call sad coffee?
9. How does Moses make his coffee?
10. What’s the best Beatles song?
11. What did the coffee lover name her son?
12. Why do they call coffee mud?
Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
13. What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
14. What’s a barista’s favorite morning mantra?
Rise and grind!
15. How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
16. What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
17. How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his victims—all ground up.
18. How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java!
19. How is divorce like espresso?
It’s expensive and bitter.
20. How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.How did Henry VIII like his coffee?
21. Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning
I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
22. Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.
23. What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
24. How are coffee beans like kids?
They’re always getting grounded!
25. I like my men how I like my coffee…
Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat.
26. What did the coffees say before their night out?
Let’s stir up some trouble!
27. I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
28. If the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.
29. What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song?
Hit Me With your Best Shot!
30. I have found that I have been happier since I switched from coffee to orange juice.
My Dr. explained that it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
31. Q: What’s the opposite of coffee? A: Sneezy.
32. There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.
33. How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
34. Why do skeletons never drink coffee?
Because it goes right through them!
35. Where do birds go for coffee?
To the NESTcafe.
36. Hold the sugar please, you’re sweet enough for the both of us.
37. A man is arrested late at night for drinking coffee…
He was charged for resisting a rest.
38. What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
39. What is best Beatles song?
40. Have you heard about Ford’s new electric coffee car?
It’s the Mach-E Auto.
41. What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
42. What did the barista’s Valentine say?
I can’t espresso my love for you.
43. Did you hear about the guy breaking into peoples houses and drinking all their coffee?
I don’t know how he sleeps at night!!
44. I drink so much coffee at work, I consider it part of my daily grind.
45. I made a pot of coffee, espresso-ly for you.
46. How are men like coffee? A: The bee coffee?
Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!
47. How are men like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
48. What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
49. I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car
Now everyone waves at me.