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50 Fucked Up Jokes You Should Never Tell Your Easily Offended Friends

Fucked Up Jokes

September 6th, 2019   |   Updated on February 18th, 2020

These are some truly fucked up jokes. And if you want some more dark humor, check out our best dark jokes.

1. What Do You Call A Cheap Circumcision?

A rip off.

 

2. How Are Women Like Swimming Pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

 

3. What Do You Call An It Teacher Who Touches Up His Students?

A PDF File.

 

4. What Does A Woman’s Pussy And A Chainsaw Have In Common?

Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.

 

5. How Many Men Does It Take To Open A Beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

 

6. What Do You See When The Pillsbury Dough Boy Bends Over?

Doughnuts.

 

7. What’s The Difference Between A Joke And Two Dicks?

You can’t take a joke.

 

8. Say What You Want About Pedophiles…

But at least they drive slow through the school zones.

 

9. Why Isn’t There A Pregnant Barbie Doll?

Ken came in another box.

 

10. What Was David Bowie’s Last Hit?

Probably heroin.

 

11. What Do You Call A Man Who Cries While He Pleasures Himself?

A tearjerker.

 

12. Why Are Women Like Kfc?

After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

 

13. What Is The Difference Between Acne And A Catholic Priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

 

14. Did You Hear About The Guy Who Died Of A Viagra Overdose?

They couldn’t close his casket.

 

15. How Is A Woman Like A Condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

 

16. Why Does Stephen Hawking Do One-liners?

Because he can’t do stand up.

 

17. How Many Emo Kids Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

 

18. After Death, What Is The Only Organ In The Female Body Which Remains Warm?

My penis.

 

19. What Do You Call A Deaf Gynecologist?

A lip reader.

 

20. What’s Worse Than Waking Up At A Party And Finding A Penis Drawn On Your Face?

Finding out it was traced.

 

21. What Do You Call A Teenage Boy Who Doesn’t Masturbate?

A liar.

 

22. Did You Hear About The Blind Prostitute?

Well, you got to hand it to her.

 

23. My First High-school Football Game Was A Lot Like My First Time Having Sex…

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

 

24. I Hope Death Is A Woman.

That way it will never come for me.

 

25. My First High-school Football Game Was A Lot Like My First Time Having Sex…

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

 

26. How Is Virginity Like A Soap Bubble?

One prick and it is gone.

 

27. What Did The Elephant Say To The Naked Man?

How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

 

28. I Asked My Wife Why She Never Blinked During Foreplay.

She said she didn’t have time.

 

29. How Did The Leper Hockey Game End?

There was a face off in the corner.

 

30. Why Do Women Always Have Sex With The Lights Off?

Because they never like to see a man having a good time.

 

31. What Is The Best Part Of A Blowjob?

Ten minutes of peace and quiet.

 

32. I Added Paul Walker On Xbox…

But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

 

33. Men Vacuum In The Same Way That They Have Sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy

 

34. What Do Pimps And Farmers Have In Common?

They both need a hoe to stay in business.

 

35. How Is Pubic Hair Like Parsley?

You push it to the side before you start eating.

 

36. What Do Girls And Noodles Have In Common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

 

37. What Do A Pizza Boy And A Gyneocologist Have In Common?

They both smell it but they can’t eat it.

 

38. I’ve Been Taking Viagra For My Sunburn.

It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

 

39. A Daughter Asked Her Mother, “Mom, How Do You Spell ‘Scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

 

40. What Do You Call A Little Boy With No Arms And No Legs?

Names.

 

41. Why Do Men Always Give Their Jackets To Their Women When They Are Cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

 

42. What’s Does Donald Trump’s Hair And A Thong Have In Common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

 

43. What Did The Cannibal Do After He Dumped His Girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

 

44. What Is The Difference Between Michael Jackson And A Grocery Bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

 

45. How Is Having Fun With A Prostitute Like Bungee Jumping?

You’re dead if the rubber breaks.

 

46. What’s The Difference Between A Hippie Chick And A Hockey Player?

A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

 

47. Why Is Being In The Military Like A Blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

 

48. Real Men Don’t Wear Pink…

They eat it.

 

49. What Did Cinderella Do When She Got To The Ball?

She gagged.

 

50. What Does Tofu And A Dildo Have In Common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

 

51. How Did Burger King Get Dairy Queen Pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.