Published on April 15th, 2021
1. James said to his friend Daniel, “I know a girl who married an Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day.”
Daniel said, “Oh really?”
James said, “No, O’Reilly.”
2. Why are irish Jokes so simple?
So the English can get them
3. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
Regular rocks are too heavy.
4. Murphy : “Why do the Irish always answer a question with another question?”.
Smith: “Do we now?”
5. An Irish man once walked out of a bar.
Yea, it’s actually possible.
6. Why did the leprechaun climb over the rainbow?
To get to the other side!
7. How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
He took a shortcut!
8. Why do leprechauns hate running?
They’d rather jig than jog!
9. Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.
10. What do you call a leprechaun who gets sent to jail?
11. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He’s Dublin over with laughter!
12. How is a good friend like a four-leaf clover?
They’re hard to find!
13. Have you heard the one about the blind horse?
It’s no secret that we Irish are famous for our sense of humour. From pub gags, to funeral jokes, we cover them all.
14. What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? “Paddy O’Furniture.”
15. The barman asks: “Did something happen one of your brothers?” “Oh no,” replies the Irishman.
“I just decided to quit drinking!”
16. “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
17. “Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
18. “That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.
19. They too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
20. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it…”
21. A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
22. “Oh, really! What’d he say ?”
He said: “Who the Fuck did your hair?”
23. Irish Man Murdered
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome? It was a Knick knack paddy whack.
24. Kieran O’Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
‘Thank the Lord I wasn’t sleeping at the other end of the bed,’ Kieran said to his friends in Donegal’s pub. ‘I would have blown my head off.’
25. 1st Irish Farmer: My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.
2nd Irish Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole?
1st Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
26. ‘I had an accident opening a can of alphabeti spaghetti this morning,’ said Murphy.
‘Were you injured?’ inquired Seamus.
‘No, but it could have spelled disaster,’ concluded Murphy.
27. Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. Paddy shouts down: “What shall I do?” Mick barks back: “Call me an ambulance!”
28. Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working.
29. Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: “Did you see the paper?! They say I died!”
The friend replies: “Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?”
30. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
31. How could you tell that Joe Biden is Irish?
Cause he worked for O’bama.
32. If a Spanish woman called Pilar married an Irish man called Colm
… would their children be Poles?
33. What do you call an Irish skin doctor?
34. What is a Irish and sits in the sun?
35. What do you call a stoned Irish person?
A baked potato.
36. What do you call an Irish child that is bouncing off the walls?
37. There was a devastating earthquake in the Irish town of Llanfair Pwllgwyngyll.
Relief workers are still at work trying to figure out what was the town’s name before the catastrophe.
38. What’s the only thing more Irish than eating potatoes?
Not having any potatoes to eat!
39. What do you call a bullet proof Irish man?
40. What do you call Mary J blige’s over accommodating Irish cousin?
41. What do you call a northern Irish hunger strike?
A Bel Fast
42. Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish?
Because we’ll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred.
43. Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?
44. What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
45. Why are there so few Irish lawyers?
They can’t pass the bar.
46. Did you hear the Irish are remaking Kill Bill?
It’s called Injure Ginger.
47. A man walks into an Irish bar…
A man walks into an Irish bar and orders a tall glass of Guinness. The leprechaun next to him turns and says, “Can I borrow a dollar?? I’m a little short.”
48. Did you know that Irish people are very stingy with their money?
Well duh, why else would leprechauns hide their gold at the end of the rainbow.
49. A good, Catholic Irish girl goes to her father and says, “Dad, I’m pregnant”
Quick as a flash he replies, “Are ye sure it’s yours?!”