Published on April 15th, 2021
1. Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll. -Constance Normandeau
2. Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell?
He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
3. There’s a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom. -Albert Sloan
4. I asked my 91-year-old father, “Dad, what were your good old days?” His thoughtful reply: “When I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.” -F. M.
5. I asked a friend in Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like Florida. He shrugged. “Apples and oranges.” -John Fries
6. Scene: A sports store.
Customer: Do you have jogging shorts?
Me: We have running shorts. How fast were you planning on going? -Stephanie Chapman
7. My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off. -Comedian Matin Atrushi
8. What’s a quiet Hawaiian laugh? Aloha. -Kenneth Gomez
9. “I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.” -Jean Kerr, author
10. Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each. -Submitted by Alex Del Bene
11. The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+. -David Bez
12. Could a … … librarian be called a bookkeeper? … referee be a game warden? … dairyman be a cowboy? … cabinetmaker be the president? -Submitted by J. Lee
13. After doing some DIY projects around the house, I have a new motto: Do your best to do things right the first few times. -Thomas Ngo
14. One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.” -Submitted by Arthur Bland
15. I called the tinnitus hotline, but it just kept ringing … -E.M.
16. I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell. -Gary Delaney, comedian
17. If I ever voiced disapproval of a photo of myself, my mother always had a ready reply: “Want a better picture? Get a better face.” -Maria Zagorski
18. I asked the kids in my nursery school class what they needed in order to grow up nice and strong. One little girl answered, “Birthdays!” -Abigail George
19. Hal: How did you get hit on the head with a book?
Sal: I only have my shelf to blame.
20. I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online. -Kumail Nanjiani, comedian
21. Bouncer: “Sorry, I need to see an ID.”
Girl: “I told you I’m 30. Why would anyone lie about that?”
22. Guy staring at an ambulance in front of Whole Foods: “Somebody must have accidentally eaten gluten.”
23. Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?
Wife: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it.
Husband: My truck.
24. It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed. Nobody wants a loyal snake. -Roy Blount, humorist
25. According to a new report, adverse side effects occurred in over 3,000 women who used Botox last year—none of whom seemed surprised. -Crystal Lowery
26. Spotted on a business marquee in Tacoma, Washington: MY BOSS TOLD ME TO CHANGE THE SIGN, SO I DID. -K.H.
27. People say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works. -Hannibal Buress, comedian
28. Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.
Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!
29. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
30. Little League is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. -Yogi Berra, Yankees Catcher
31. You want proof baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? -Jim Bouton, Yankees Pitcher
32. Baseball statistics are like a girl in a bikini—they show a lot, but not everything. -Toby Harrah, Rangers Shortstop
33. Six-year-old Ned’s mother was looking through an old family Bible when an oak leaf fell out. Ned said, “I guess that must be Adam’s shorts.”
34. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
35. To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian. -Mark Simmons, comedian
36. Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, the other a load of blue paint. All the passengers were marooned.
37. A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work!
38. Jenny: I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at him.
Jenny: Yep. I can tell if he is standing too.
39. How do you weigh a millennial?
40. Why does everybody sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” when they’re already there? -Larry Andersen, Phillies Pitcher
41. Why should you never date tennis players?
Love means nothing to them.
42. Fred: Can you tell me about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist?
Ted: Brace yourself.
43. What happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage?
He lost his case.
44. Mike: Someone stole the wheels off of all the police cars!
Spike: The cops are working on it -tirelessly.
45. Spotted on a Laundromat corkboard: “Please keep clothes on while doing laundry.” -Sue Connor
46. What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
47. What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
48. What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?
49. What kind of tree has a hand?
A palm tree.